After my twin daughters were stillborn, I spent years in a place I didn’t know how to leave.
I told myself I wanted healing. I said I wanted to feel better. But if I’m being honest — I wasn’t taking any real steps toward it. Because deep down, I was terrified that healing would mean leaving them behind.
And I see this in so many of the stillbirth moms I work with. They long for peace, but something inside them holds tight to the pain. Not because they want to suffer, but because they think the pain is the only thing left that connects them to their baby.
If that hits a nerve — you’re not alone. And you’re not doing anything wrong.
In this week’s episode of Navigating Baby Loss, I opened up about what it really means when we say we want healing, but keep ourselves stuck. I shared parts of my own story, and a powerful moment with a client who realized she was clinging to her grief because she believed it was the only way to keep her baby close.
What she didn’t know (and what I had to learn myself) is that healing doesn’t mean forgetting. And feeling better doesn’t mean loving less.
Why Stillbirth Grief Feels So Hard to Let Go
After a stillbirth, grief becomes part of your identity. You become “the grieving mom.” And because the world often wants you to move on way too fast, you dig in deeper. You feel like you have to stay in that place to prove your love.
You might find yourself thinking:
- If I stop hurting, will people think my baby didn’t matter?
- If I feel joy again, am I betraying my child?
- If I heal, does that mean I’m moving on?
And those thoughts are so, so normal. But they can also keep you trapped.
Staying Stuck Doesn’t Make the Pain Easier — It Makes Life Harder
One client I worked with — I’ll call her Emily — told me she wanted to feel better. She wanted to stop dreading every day. But every time we tried something new, she resisted. Not because she didn’t care, but because she was scared.
Eventually, she admitted the truth: “If I stop hurting, I’m afraid I’ll lose my baby all over again.”
And I told her the same thing I’ll tell you here:
You will never be asked to forget your baby. That’s not what we do here. What we do is learn how to carry their memory with us in a way that feels gentle. Whole. Honoring. Not sharp and heavy all the time.
What Healing After Stillbirth Can Really Look Like
Healing isn’t a finish line. It’s not about getting over it or moving on. It’s about learning to live with love and loss side by side. It’s about giving yourself permission to:
- Laugh without guilt
- Talk about your baby with tenderness instead of ache
- Imagine a future that includes both your love for them and your own joy
You don’t need to rush it. You don’t need to be “better” by now. You just need to get honest about where you are.
So I’ll ask you gently — and you don’t have to answer out loud:
Do you want to stay here… or are you ready for something different?
Not because you’re supposed to. But because your heart is whispering that there might be another way to live.
The Stillbirth Roadmap: A Way Through, Not Around
If this speaks to you — even just a little — I want you to know that there’s support waiting for you. I created The Stillbirth Roadmap for moms just like you. Moms who don’t want to forget, but don’t want to live in constant pain, either.
It’s not therapy. It’s not a rushed support group. It’s a self-paced, compassion-filled path that helps you:
- Let go of guilt without letting go of love
- Talk to yourself more kindly (because that voice in your head matters)
- Rebuild trust in your future, your body, and your heart
You don’t have to be “ready” in a big, dramatic way. You just have to be willing to take one small step.
Because the truth is — your baby is already with you. Every day. Every breath. And they’ll still be with you, even on the days when you start to feel light again.
You don’t have to stay stuck in order to prove your love.
You don’t have to suffer to stay connected.
You can carry them and live.
💛 Explore The Stillbirth Roadmap here
And if you’re not ready yet, that’s okay too. Just be honest with yourself. Say the quiet thing out loud:
“I’m afraid that healing means forgetting.”
Because once you name it, you can start to gently shift it.
You’re not behind. You’re not broken. You’re a mother who loves deeply — and that love can guide you toward something softer, something more hopeful, whenever you’re ready.
Jennifer Senn is a certified life coach who is also a bereaved mom of twin girls born at 32 weeks. She helps stillbirth moms let go of guilt, process their grief, and figure out what’s next for their future. You can learn more about her and schedule a free support session at jennifersenn.com.
