“Why did my baby have to die?”
It’s a question I asked myself over and over again after I lost my twin girls. And maybe it’s the one you’re asking too.
If you’ve felt crushed by guilt, confusion, or even shame just for being the one who lived—this space is for you. We’re talking about something that almost no one talks about, but so many of us feel: survivor’s guilt after stillbirth.
What Is Survivor’s Guilt?
Survivor’s guilt is the aching feeling that you’re somehow at fault for surviving when your baby didn’t. It sounds like:
- “Why me?”
- “What did I do wrong?”
- “She gets to keep her baby…why didn’t I?”
Sometimes it whispers.
Sometimes it screams.
But either way, it hurts.
And because stillbirth happens in our bodies, it can feel especially personal. You might think, “My body failed.” Or, “I should have known something was wrong.” You may even believe you somehow caused it—even when you didn’t.
Let me say this clearly and gently:
You did not cause this. You did not deserve this.
Why Guilt Feels Protective
One of the hardest things about stillbirth is the lack of answers. And where there’s uncertainty, our minds often rush to fill the gap—with blame.
If we believe we did something wrong, then maybe we can prevent it next time.
If it was our fault, then at least we have some control.
But the truth? Stillbirth often has no explanation. And even when there is one, it’s rarely something that was visible, fixable, or preventable.
Guilt gives the illusion of control. But it’s not the truth.
What Survivor’s Guilt Sounds Like
It doesn’t always sound like a scream. Sometimes, it’s a quiet whisper in your everyday life:
- “I shouldn’t laugh right now.”
- “How can I enjoy anything when my baby is gone?”
- “I don’t deserve to feel okay.”
Sometimes, it’s how you treat yourself:
- Skipping meals or showers
- Avoiding joyful things
- Pushing yourself too hard or not taking care of your body
It might look like overworking, over-drinking, staying in bed, or numbing out. But underneath it all, it’s the belief that because your baby didn’t survive, you don’t deserve to thrive either.
What I Want You to Know
You don’t have to punish yourself to prove your love.
Your love is already real.
Your grief is already proof.
You are already enough.
And healing isn’t betrayal. It’s remembrance.
How to Begin Loosening the Guilt
You don’t need to silence every guilty thought—you just need to give it equal airtime with the truth.
- Guilty Thought: I should’ve done more.
Truth: I did the best I could with what I knew. And I loved my baby every second I had them. - Guilty Thought: Why me?
Truth: I don’t know why. But I know it wasn’t because I deserved this. - Guilty Thought: I shouldn’t be feeling better yet.
Truth: Feeling better doesn’t mean I’m forgetting. It means I’m still loving them while also healing.
A Client’s Story: “This Smile Is for You Too”
One mama I worked with told me every time she smiled, she felt a stabbing guilt—like she was betraying her daughter’s memory.
We came up with something simple:
Every time she smiled, she whispered her baby’s name.
She said, “This is for you too.”
And little by little, joy stopped feeling like betrayal.
It started feeling like inclusion. Like love.
If You’re Feeling Crushed Right Now
This pain doesn’t mean you’re doing grief wrong. It just means your heart is broken and trying to protect you. You don’t need to carry this alone.
If you’ve been stuck in the cycle of guilt, sadness, or self-blame, I want to invite you to ask a softer question:
Not “What’s wrong with me?”
But “What am I carrying that’s too heavy to hold alone?”
That’s where healing begins.
You’re Not Alone — And You’re Not Broken
There is nothing wrong with you for surviving.
There is nothing wrong with you for grieving.
There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to live again.
You are a brave, loving mother.
And if no one has told you this today:
Your baby’s life mattered. And so does yours.
If you’re ready for extra support, I created something for you:
🎥 Free Video Series: Why No One Understands Your Pain After Stillbirth
It’s a gentle guide to help you feel seen, understood, and supported—even when the people around you don’t get it.
Or you can always connect with me for a free support session at jennifersenn.com. You don’t have to figure this out alone.
