Stillbirth moms often find themselves navigating a world that doesn’t know how to handle grief, especially when it comes to baby loss. One of the hardest parts of the journey can be the hurtful comments that start right from the hospital stay and continue through everyday interactions with family, friends, and even strangers.
Why Do People Say Such Hurtful Things?
People often say insensitive things because they don’t know how to handle the enormity of grief. Whether it’s a well-meaning family member or a stranger at the store, people may try to offer comfort or perspective, but their words can feel like a knife to the heart. Comments like, “At least you can have another baby,” or “God needed your baby more than you,” can leave you feeling misunderstood and isolated.
It’s important to remember that society doesn’t teach us how to talk about grief, especially baby loss. Most people don’t know what to say, and sometimes even your partner might say something that unintentionally hurts. You don’t have to explain or justify your feelings to anyone. What they say does not define your grief or your healing process.
Setting Boundaries to Protect Your Heart
One of the best ways to protect yourself from these hurtful comments is to be prepared. Think ahead about how you will respond when someone says something uncomfortable or hurtful. Simple, respectful responses can help you set boundaries without feeling caught off guard.
You might say:
- “I’m not ready to talk about that right now.”
- “I’d rather not discuss this today.”
- “I appreciate your concern, but I’m focusing on something else today.”
It’s also okay to change the subject or even physically move away from a conversation that’s becoming too much. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your grief or your healing process.
My Experience Going Back to Work
When I returned to work as a hairstylist after losing my twins, I wasn’t prepared for the endless questions and comments. Some people were curious, while others tried to be helpful, but every comment felt like another weight added to my grief. I quickly learned to have a simple, canned response ready and to master the art of changing the subject.
Over time, I realized I didn’t need to share my story with everyone who asked. I could choose who got to know what. This small step helped me regain a sense of control when everything else felt overwhelming.
Why Isolation Isn’t the Answer
It’s natural to want to withdraw when people don’t understand your pain. But isolating yourself can make your grief feel even heavier. Instead of shutting people out, try to gently teach them how to support you. Let them know when their words are unhelpful and encourage them to simply be there without trying to fix things.
Your Grief Is Yours to Own
No one else’s opinions or words can dictate your journey. Your grief is real, and your healing takes time. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel or that you should be over it by now. Take your time and give yourself permission to protect your heart.
Handling hurtful comments after stillbirth is challenging, but you don’t have to face it alone. Take care of yourself by setting boundaries and choosing when and with whom to share your story. If you found this helpful, be sure to download my free video series, “Why No One Understands Your Pain After Stillbirth.” You’re not alone, and I’m here to support you every step of the way.
Jennifer Senn is a certified life coach who is also a bereaved mom of twin girls born at 32 weeks. She helps stillbirth moms let go of guilt, process their grief, and figure out what’s next for their future. You can learn more about her and schedule a free support session at jennifersenn.com.
