In this episode of the Navigating Baby Loss podcast, host Jennifer Send interviews Sharon Costanzo, a relationship and communication coach specializing in helping women improve their relationships by effectively navigating conflict. Sharon shares valuable insights on maintaining and strengthening relationships, especially after experiencing the loss of a baby.
Sharon’s Journey to Relationship Coaching
Sharon’s path to becoming a relationship coach began with her own struggles in both her professional and personal life. As an engineer facing workplace discrimination, she found herself unable to be the confident, assertive person she wanted to be without creating conflict. These challenges carried over into her marriage, leading her to seek help from multiple couples therapists. Through this process, she discovered effective communication strategies that weren’t widely discussed, inspiring her to help others navigate similar challenges.
Insights for Couples Facing Grief
- Acknowledge Different Grieving Styles: Sharon emphasizes the importance of recognizing that partners may grieve differently. This doesn’t invalidate either person’s experience.
- Practice Self-Validation: Instead of seeking validation solely from your partner, learn to validate your own feelings. This can reduce conflict and misunderstanding.
- Avoid the “Fixer” Mentality: Many partners, especially men, may try to “fix” the situation, which can lead to dismissing the other’s ongoing grief.
- Create an “Us vs. the Problem” Mindset: Frame challenges as something you face together, rather than opposing each other.
- Explore the Nuances: When facing major disagreements, like whether to have another child, try to see beyond a simple “yes” or “no” and explore the complexities of each perspective.
Practical Tips for Strengthening Relationships
- Weekly Check-ins: Set aside time each week to discuss what’s going well in the relationship and areas for improvement.
- Ask Meaningful Questions: Try asking, “What’s one thing I can do to make you feel loved this week?” or “What’s one thing I did last week that made you feel loved?”
- Prioritize Connection: Whether through traditional date nights or at-home rituals, find ways to consistently connect with your partner.
- Seek Community Support: Remember that your spouse can’t be your only support system. Engage with support groups or others who share similar experiences.
- Get Professional Help Early: Don’t wait until problems become severe to seek relationship coaching or therapy.
When to Seek Help
Sharon advises seeking professional help whenever you feel stuck or don’t see a path forward on your own. There’s no specific time frame – if you’re struggling, it’s okay to reach out for support.
Final ThoughtsSharon emphasizes that it’s okay for partners to see things differently and experience grief in their own ways. This doesn’t have to threaten the relationship. She also cautions against trying to “teach” your partner how to grieve or communicate – instead, focus on your own growth and model the behavior you’d like to see.
Resources
For more insights on effective communication and relationship strategies, check out Sharon’s podcast “Keep Talking Revolution” and visit her website at keeptalkingrevolution.com for a free guide on the five elements of productive conversation.
Remember, navigating relationships after baby loss is challenging, but with the right tools and support, couples can emerge stronger and more connected.
Jennifer Senn is a certified life coach who is also a bereaved mom of twin girls born at 32 weeks. She helps stillbirth moms let go of guilt, process their grief, and figure out what’s next for their future. You can learn more about her and schedule a free support session at jennifersenn.com.
