As a stillbirth mom and coach for other stillbirth moms, I’ve encountered countless challenging situations. One of the most difficult and frequently asked questions we face is seemingly simple: “How many children do you have?” Today, I want to address this complex question and offer some guidance on how to navigate it.
The Complexity Behind a Simple Question
For those who have experienced stillbirth, this question isn’t just about numbers. It’s about acknowledging our lost children, honoring their memory, and deciding how much of our story we want to share. It’s a question that can catch us off guard and force us to make split-second decisions about how to respond.
When answering, we often consider:
- Our own feelings
- The feelings of the person asking
- The implications for our living or future children
- How our answer might honor or seemingly neglect our lost baby
There’s No Single Right Answer
It’s crucial to understand that there’s no universally correct way to answer this question. Your response can and should vary depending on:
- Who’s asking
- The context of the conversation
- Your comfort level
- The setting (one-on-one, group setting, etc.)
Strategies for Responding
- Be Honest and Direct: “I have two living children and one in heaven.”
- Brief Answer with Option to Elaborate: Start with a simple answer, then share more if you feel comfortable.
- Redirect the Conversation: “I prefer not to discuss personal details.”
- Consider Your Relationship: Your answer might differ for a stranger versus a potential new friend.
Remember, it’s okay to make the asker uncomfortable if that’s what speaking your truth requires. Society doesn’t offer trigger warnings, and you don’t need to protect everyone’s feelings at the expense of your own.
Dealing with Guilt
Many mothers feel guilty when they don’t mention their stillborn child. Remember this mantra: “I did the best for what I knew at the time.” Be gentle with yourself. Not sharing your full story with everyone doesn’t invalidate your baby or your experience.
Educating Others
Consider educating those in your circle about the weight of this question. Suggest alternative conversation starters like “How do you spend your time?” or “What do you enjoy doing?” These questions focus on the person rather than potentially sensitive topics.
The Reality of Loss
Navigating life after stillbirth is a lifelong journey. The pain may change over time, but it never truly leaves us. It influences how we parent, our relationships, and our work lives. That’s why it’s so important to develop skills and strategies to help us through the recurring waves of grief.
Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. If you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Sometimes, a simple conversation can provide the strategies and perspectives you need to breathe a little easier.
As a stillbirth mom and coach, I see you, I hear you, and I’m here to support you on this challenging path.
Jennifer Senn is a certified life coach who is also a bereaved mom of twin girls born at 32 weeks. She helps stillbirth moms let go of guilt, process their grief, and figure out what’s next for their future. You can learn more about her and schedule a free support session at jennifersenn.com.
