As the seasons change and we move further from the moment we said goodbye to our babies, many of us struggle with a common fear: Does healing mean we’re forgetting our little ones? Today, I want to address this concern and share some thoughts on grief, healing, and honoring our babies’ memories.
The Changing Seasons of Grief
For me, the fall season always brings a flood of memories. The crisp air and falling leaves signal that it’s almost the time of year when I lost my baby, now 25 years ago. These changing seasons often remind us how much time has passed since our loss, and as we start to feel a little better or find moments of peace, guilt can creep in.
Survivor’s Guilt and the Cost of Clinging to Grief
It’s normal to experience survivor’s guilt – feeling guilty for enjoying life when our baby can’t. However, it’s crucial to understand that being in constant, overwhelming grief doesn’t mean you’re more connected to your baby. In fact, clinging to that raw, initial grief can come at a significant cost:
- Missing out on joy
- Impacting your mental health
- Straining relationships
- Affecting your career and other aspects of life
Honoring Your Baby Through Healing
The truth is, honoring your baby isn’t about how long or intensely you grieve. It’s about finding ways to carry their memory forward positively. Our babies would want us to be happy, to enjoy life with our other children, and to find moments of joy – all while still thinking of them.
The Nature of Grief and Healing
Healing doesn’t mean the grief disappears or lessens. Instead, think of it like this: the grief stays the same size, but our capacity to handle it grows. Our “container” for grief expands, allowing us to carry it more comfortably.
Finding Joy Again
Many of us struggle with feeling like we’re “allowed” to be happy again. If you need permission, I’m giving it to you now: You have permission to feel joy and happiness. It doesn’t diminish your love for your baby or their memory.
Giving Yourself Grace
Remember to be gentle with yourself. This journey is hard, especially for those of us with perfectionist tendencies. Allow yourself grace and accept that while this experience has scarred you, it has also changed you in ways you might not want to reverse.
Healing as Growth
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting – it means growing. You can’t change what happened, but you can grow from it. Your baby would want you to live your life fully. The ultimate way to heal and honor your baby is to remember them in good times, without guilt, knowing you deserve happiness and joy.
Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. There are resources available to help you navigate this lifetime without your baby. Visit my website for free resources designed to help stillbirth moms find peace and hope.
Healing is possible, and it doesn’t mean leaving your baby behind. It means carrying them with you as you move forward, finding new ways to honor their memory and impact on your life.
Jennifer Senn is a certified life coach who is also a bereaved mom of twin girls born at 32 weeks. She helps stillbirth moms let go of guilt, process their grief, and figure out what’s next for their future. You can learn more about her and schedule a free support session at jennifersenn.com.
