“Grief surprises” can hit us when we least expect it—at a moment when we feel like we’re finally “okay.” This is a common event for many loss moms. I’ll share a personal story that I think many can relate to. One day, while I was shopping at Macy’s with my daughter, I walked into the restroom and unexpectedly saw a mom with twin girls who looked just like my own twins might have. In an instant, I was overwhelmed with emotion and found myself in tears. I wasn’t ready for it, and I was surprised by how strongly the grief hit me, even though I thought I had healed.
If you’ve experienced a similar moment, please know that you’re not alone. These sudden grief waves don’t have to throw us completely off track or ruin our day. Let’s explore why these waves of grief happen, and what we can do to handle them with compassion and kindness.
Why Does Grief Catch Us Off Guard?
Grief often feels unpredictable, and it doesn’t follow a strict path or timeline. While some people talk about the “stages” of grief, I’ve found that it’s more of a cycle, looping around with emotions like sadness, anger, and longing. Sometimes, just when we think we’re doing well, grief can resurface unexpectedly. Here are a few reasons why:
- Memories and Milestones
Many grief triggers are tied to memories and milestones. Seeing a child the age our baby would have been, hearing a familiar song, or celebrating holidays can stir up emotions we may not expect. These reminders can bring a sudden wave of sadness, even in everyday moments. - Gradual Processing of Emotions
Our minds are designed to help us process grief in smaller, manageable parts. If we were to confront the full weight of our loss all at once, it would be overwhelming. Instead, our brain allows us to revisit and process grief bit by bit, which can make grief feel like it’s sneaking up on us. - Unprocessed or Suppressed Feelings
Life’s demands often require us to set aside our grief temporarily, but these emotions don’t disappear—they simply linger in the background. When we finally have a quieter moment, they can rise to the surface. This is completely normal and doesn’t mean we’re going backwards in our healing. - Hormonal and Physical Triggers
Grief is not only emotional but also physical. Hormones can affect how we process grief, especially around certain times like anniversaries or holidays. Physical triggers, like a familiar scent or the changing season, can also bring up feelings associated with our loss. - The Enduring Bond with Our Baby
The love we have for our babies doesn’t go away with time; it stays with us. These waves of grief are a reminder of the bond we carry and our continued love. It’s okay to feel that connection as part of our life, even if it comes with sadness.
How to Cope with Grief Surprises
When grief sneaks up on us, it can feel disorienting, especially if we’re in a public setting or caught off guard. Here are some compassionate ways to handle these moments:
- Acknowledge and Name Your Feelings
When you feel grief, take a moment to recognize it without judgment. Name the feeling, whether it’s sadness, longing, or anger. By acknowledging your emotions, you give yourself permission to feel them without the added weight of guilt or shame. - Create Space for Yourself
If you’re in public, try to find a private place where you can process your emotions, even if just for a few moments. A car, bathroom stall, or step outside can give you the space to let the feelings pass without the pressure to hold it all together. - Use Deep Breathing Techniques
Deep breathing can help you feel grounded when emotions are high. Try inhaling through your nose for four counts, holding for a moment, and exhaling slowly for six counts. This simple practice can bring a sense of calm and control during intense moments. - Reach Out to Someone You Trust
Sometimes, sharing your feelings with a partner, friend, or family member can make a big difference. Texting or calling a loved one can lighten your emotional load and remind you that you’re not alone on this journey. - Practice Self-Compassion
Grief is not linear, and it’s okay to have setbacks. Give yourself grace and remember that grieving isn’t about “getting over” your loss; it’s about learning to live with it. If these moments arise, view them as a part of your ongoing connection with your baby rather than a setback.
If you’re finding these grief surprises difficult to navigate, remember that it’s okay to seek support. I offer resources on my website and complimentary support sessions where we can work together to explore these emotions. It’s a reminder that you don’t have to face this alone.
Thank you for being part of this journey with me. Allow these unexpected moments of grief to connect you with your baby and give yourself the space to heal in your own way. Be kind to yourself, and know that you are not alone.
Jennifer Senn is a certified life coach who is also a bereaved mom of twin girls born at 32 weeks. She helps stillbirth moms let go of guilt, process their grief, and figure out what’s next for their future. You can learn more about her and schedule a free support session at jennifersenn.com.
