Jealousy after baby loss can sneak up on you in the most unexpected moments. Maybe it’s seeing a glowing pregnant woman in the grocery store, a friend’s happy pregnancy announcement on social media, or a tired mom scrolling her phone while her baby cries in a stroller. In those moments, jealousy can hit like a punch to the chest, leaving you breathless and wondering, “Why her and not me?”
It’s not that you wish harm on her. It’s not even about her at all—it’s about you. About the ache of what should have been. About the baby you carried, the dreams you had, and the life that was so close yet slipped away.
Jealousy After Loss: A Natural Human Reaction
We’re often taught that jealousy is a “bad” emotion—something we shouldn’t feel. But jealousy isn’t a reflection of your character; it’s a reflection of your pain. It’s your brain’s way of pointing out something you deeply wanted but didn’t get.
As Mel Robbins said in her podcast, “You’re not jealous of people who have what you don’t want.” You don’t envy someone’s sports car if you’ve never wanted one. But when you see a mother holding her baby—the baby you longed for—it feels deeply personal.
The ‘It’s Not Fair’ Moment
For many stillbirth moms, jealousy carries an added layer of unfairness. You were so close. You felt your baby kick, you prepared their nursery, you imagined their first smile. So when you see someone else holding their baby, your mind whispers, “That should have been me.” And it’s true—it’s not fair.
The Emotional Tangle: Jealousy, Anger, Sadness, and Fear
Grief rarely travels alone. Jealousy often brings friends:
- Jealousy: “Why does she get to have this, and I don’t?”
- Anger: “This isn’t fair! Why me?”
- Sadness: An overwhelming ache and tears that won’t stop.
- Fear: “What if I never get to experience this again?”
These emotions can feel tangled and confusing, but recognizing them is the first step to navigating them.
How to Cope When Jealousy Hits Hard
- Pause and Name It: When jealousy strikes, take a deep breath and ask, “What am I feeling right now?”
- Let Yourself Feel It: Jealousy doesn’t need to be fixed. Let it be there without judgment.
- Write It Down: Try journaling: “I feel jealous because… I feel angry because… I feel sad because… I’m afraid of…”
- Social Media Boundaries: Unfollow triggering accounts or take breaks when needed.
- Mantras for Hard Moments: “Her story is not my story.” “I don’t know her struggles.”
Why Guilt Often Follows Jealousy
Guilt and jealousy often walk hand-in-hand. You might think, “I should just be happy for her,” or “Good moms don’t feel this way.” But here’s the truth: Jealousy doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad mom. It makes you a grieving person.
You don’t want her baby; you want your baby. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
When jealousy creeps in, remind yourself: these feelings don’t define you—they’re just part of your grief. You can feel jealousy and still be a loving friend, a kind person, and a wonderful mom to your baby in your heart.
Grief is messy, and jealousy is just one chapter of the story. Be gentle with yourself, honor your emotions without shame, and know this: you’re not alone.
Jennifer Senn is a certified life coach who is also a bereaved mom of twin girls born at 32 weeks. She helps stillbirth moms let go of guilt, process their grief, and figure out what’s next for their future. You can learn more about her and schedule a free support session at jennifersenn.com.
