Grief after losing a baby often brings a relentless chorus of ‘What Ifs.’ What if I had gone to the hospital sooner? What if I had rested more? What if I hadn’t had that glass of wine before I knew I was pregnant? These thoughts aren’t just questions—they feel like sharp-edged stones pressing into your chest, especially in the stillness of the night. I know those stones well because I’ve carried them too, and if you’re reading this, I want you to know—you’re not alone.
Why Do We Feel So Much Guilt After Baby Loss?
Our brains are wired to search for reasons after something terrible happens—it’s a survival instinct. When we can’t find clear answers, our minds turn inward, analyzing every moment, every decision, every missed sign. And let’s be honest, hindsight is so cruel because it shows us everything we wish we had known. But here’s the thing: guilt doesn’t mean you failed. Research tells us guilt and self-blame are incredibly common after baby loss, and they can take a huge toll on our mental and emotional health. Recognizing that these feelings are part of your grief—not proof of your failure—can be an important first step toward healing.
Guilt Is Not Proof of Failure—It’s Proof of Love
One thing I want you to hear, loud and clear, is this: Guilt doesn’t mean you did something wrong. More often, it’s a reflection of the deep, fierce love you have for your baby. You made choices with the information you had at the time, and you made them with love. You showed up every day with your whole heart. If a dear friend were telling you the same story, you’d wrap them in compassion and remind them of their love and effort. So why is it so hard to offer that same kindness to yourself? It’s time to start.
Carrying the Weight of Guilt: The Backpack of ‘What Ifs’
I once worked with a mom who told me her guilt felt like a backpack full of heavy rocks. Each ‘What If’ was another stone she carried with her everywhere she went. What if I had noticed sooner? What if I had spoken up more? Every thought made her load heavier. But here’s what she discovered: she didn’t have to carry every stone at once. Healing didn’t mean emptying the backpack overnight—it meant noticing when one rock was too heavy and gently setting it down. And friend, you can do that too. One rock at a time.
Practical Tools for Easing Guilt and Self-Blame
When the ‘What Ifs’ start swirling, here are a few gentle tools you can lean on:
- Ground Yourself: Use your senses to anchor yourself in the present moment. Feel the weight of your blanket, notice your breathing, or press your feet firmly into the floor. Sometimes, imagining roots growing from your feet into the earth can bring a deep sense of security.
- Paper Therapy: Keep a notebook by your bed and write down every ‘What If’ that surfaces. Getting those thoughts out of your mind and onto paper can give them less power.
- Mantras: Have a simple, loving phrase ready to repeat when guilt sneaks in. Something like, ‘I did the best I could with what I knew then,’ or ‘This was not my fault.’ These words can interrupt the spiral and offer a moment of peace.
- Share Aloud: If you have someone you trust—a friend, a partner, a therapist, or a coach—speak your thoughts out loud. Saying them can strip them of their power and remind you that you’re not alone.
These tools won’t erase the guilt entirely, but they can create moments of relief, moments where you can catch your breath and rest.
Letting Go of Guilt Doesn’t Mean Letting Go of Love
I know the fear—that if you let go of the guilt, it feels like you’re letting go of your baby. But friend, that’s not true. Your love for your baby isn’t tied to your guilt. It lives in how you honor their memory, how you speak their name, and how you care for yourself. Letting go of guilt isn’t about forgetting—it’s about making space for love and healing to live side by side.
If you’re struggling under the weight of the ‘What Ifs,’ please know you don’t have to face this alone. You deserve rest. You deserve peace. And most of all, you deserve healing—not because you did anything wrong, but because you’re still here. You’re still breathing, still loving, still showing up every day, even when it feels impossible. Healing isn’t linear, and the ‘What Ifs’ might still creep in from time to time, but with gentle care and compassion, their grip can loosen. And in those moments, you can begin to feel the warmth of love and the promise of peace. You deserve that, and your baby would want that for you too.
Jennifer Senn is a certified life coach who is also a bereaved mom of twin girls born at 32 weeks. She helps stillbirth moms let go of guilt, process their grief, and figure out what’s next for their future. You can learn more about her and schedule a free support session at jennifersenn.com.
If you’re struggling to fall asleep because your mind won’t stop racing, I created something just for you. Download my free bedtime healing meditation, designed to calm your thoughts and help you finally get the rest you need. Click this link to start your journey to peaceful sleep tonight.
