When Will I “Get Over” My Baby’s Loss?
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why you’re still feeling this pain, even though time has passed, I’m going to talk through why grief lingers, why it’s okay, and how to move forward on the timeline that is right for you.
The Myth of “Getting Over It”
When you think about “getting over” your baby’s loss, it might seem like you should be able to mark the date on the calendar and neatly tuck it all behind you. Or that you might wake up one day and the weight will be lifted because you “got over” it. But here’s the truth—grief doesn’t work that way. Even as time moves on, the reminders of your baby are everywhere, and it can feel like grief just won’t let go.
You may have thought that after a few months or even years, things would get easier. But then, out of nowhere, something triggers you—a baby crying at the grocery store, a birthday that should have been, or seeing a mom with a child the same age your baby would have been. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting, and it’s okay to feel the weight of your loss even years later.
Common Thoughts That May Cross Your Mind
You might have thoughts like:
- “I should be stronger by now.”
- “Why can’t I just be happy for others and not feel this deep sadness?”
- “I feel guilty for still feeling this way.”
- “I’m stuck, and I don’t know how to move forward.”
These thoughts can create a loop of self-doubt and frustration, making moms question whether they will ever find peace. If you find yourself feeling this way, know that you are not alone.
The Pressure From Others
Society has an unspoken timeline for grief, and unfortunately, it often doesn’t align with our reality. You might hear comments like, “You’re so strong; I know you’ll have another baby soon” or “At least you can get pregnant again.” These words, while well-intentioned, can feel dismissive and hurtful.
One of the hardest parts of this journey is feeling like others expect you to move on while you’re still carrying so much inside. It’s okay to set boundaries with loved ones and let them know what you need from them.
The Pain of “What Might Have Been”
Another challenge that lingers is the constant wondering of “what might have been.” Every milestone that comes and goes—first birthdays, holidays, and even small things like back-to-school season—can feel like a fresh wave of grief.
I personally remember my rainbow baby’s high school graduation. It hit me so hard because I flashed back to the dream I had of my twins at their double graduation. The reality of their absence stung just as much, even years later.
Will I Ever Feel Okay Again?
One of the biggest questions moms ask is, “Will I ever feel okay again?” It can feel like you’re stuck in a cycle of sadness, where true happiness seems impossible. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting your baby; it means finding ways to carry them with you as you continue living.
Start small—enjoy a moment with a friend, plan something that brings you peace. These steps won’t erase your grief, but they will allow moments of happiness.
What Can You Do When You Feel Like You Should Be Over It?
Here are a few things that might help:
- Stop Judging Yourself: Avoid comparing your grief journey to others. There is no manual or timeline, and it’s okay to have ups and downs.
- Give Yourself Permission to Grieve: Some days will feel easier, and some will feel hopeless. Both are valid and part of the process.
- Seek Support: Talking to your partner, or friends, or finding a support group can make all the difference.
- Honor Your Baby: Whether it’s a special day each year or small daily rituals, find what brings you comfort.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Healing takes time, and there is no deadline for grief.
Signs You May Need Professional Help
If you’re experiencing persistent feelings of hopelessness, intense guilt that interferes with daily life, withdrawing completely from loved ones, difficulty functioning at work or home, or thoughts of self-harm or suicide, it’s important to seek professional help immediately.
There is no “getting over” the loss of your baby, but there is a way forward that honors both your grief and your healing. Remember, healing is a journey, and you are doing an incredible job, even on the days it doesn’t feel like it. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you are not alone.
Jennifer Senn is a certified life coach who is also a bereaved mom of twin girls born at 32 weeks. She helps stillbirth moms let go of guilt, process their grief, and figure out what’s next for their future. You can learn more about her and schedule a free support session at jennifersenn.com.
